By Diane Coleman
In my humble opinion, Aretha Franklin was the greatest female vocalist of any time. No singer, living or dead, comes close to Aretha in her prime. She was the original crossover artist. She didn’t just crossover music genres, but love for her music crossed over generation to generation. She blazed up her path, as an artist, where no one could ever follow. If you look into her entire body of work, as well as her performances, you’ll find few genres where she hasn’t left her mark. She was a multi-talent, a musician, singer and songwriter. She entertained, giving us her all, almost right up to the end of her life. A discerning eye might have seen she had a hidden shame, no doubt mixed with the genuine pain from losing her mother at such a young age. Of course, I don’t know about her shame in detail, but I do know that having sex at 12 (maybe even younger) and a baby at the age of 13, before you know about how the world works, or even less about where you fit into it, can put a load of shame on your spirit. I believe here is an opportunity for a conversation that a lot of us need to have.
By now, we should know about the after-effects of sexual trauma. Many people don’t have to look at the life of a celebrity for proof of the damages because they can find it in their own family history. This kind of abuse often becomes a family secret where the perpetrator is never, in any way, charged. Because the person who commits the abuse isn't confronted, the victim might be left to deal with the shame with no support. Sexual abuse can even become a disturbed and secret family legacy. In our culture, we seem to spend a lot of time examining the attacker, often more so than we do trying to understand the emotional toll on the victim right before, during and after the assault. Most of the time, we leave that to the professionals maybe because the horror is too much for us to wrap our mind around, especially when it comes to children? Any kind of sexual assault is not just an attack on the body, but also on the mind and spirit. Imagine yourself as a child and you have an adult in your life, or someone who you admire. You believe, simply because of your innocent admiration that this person has your best interest at heart and would never hurt you. Then out of nowhere everything changes. Your child brain is hit with a brick of reality that you can’t even begin to process. All the special attention this person was showering you with was leading up to this…but who can you tell? You surely, don’t want to disrupt adult relationships. Especially since, with your child brain, you believe it’s your fault. In your mind, you’re sure you’ll be blamed in some way, either for seducing your attacker, or for causing chaos in your family for telling. Though you may not fully understand the meaning of the word, your imagination sets up a scenario for the deepest of all human fears--rejection. So you convince yourself, it’s better to go on as if nothing happened, and silence becomes both your enemy and friend. Research has found that when a person is sexually abused, and doesn’t receive support, they may pass the trauma down through future generations in their genes in the form of depression, anxiety and other mental illness. Surely, what’s done in the dark will manifest in a number of ways, most obviously in the way the victim will make life decisions as an adult.
When sexual abuse happens to children, it typically happens when there’s a lack of adult supervision. Parents may think that it’s safe to leave their kids with a certain relative or friend of the family. I became a parent a little late in life, so I got to learn some things first. I learned that a lot of the women I knew had experienced some type of sexual abuse at a young age usually committed by someone they considered a friend, a friend of the family or relative. Call me paranoid, but by the time I got to the point of having my own children, I came to the conclusion that they would only really be safe when they were in my company. I always believed it was my first duty to shield them, sometimes at a cost. I understand what’s taken away from the spirit when a child is sexually abused. I understood the long-term effects enough that I did everything I could to prevent it from being a burden my own children would have to carry.In the times we live in, we want to believe that sex is no big deal. Kids learn it’s so unimportant that they might as well just go ahead and get their first time over with as soon as possible. There’s a mental and spiritual component that seems to be missing from a lot of conversations we have with young people about sex. Though they’re important topics, it’s not just about STDs and possibly getting pregnant. Frankly, what I’ve learned over the years is that immature sex can make your life messy in all kinds of ways. It is true that more women, in particular younger women, might be prone to expect a commitment after sex. Unfortunately, the choice we make when we choose a partner may not be grounded in reality. That’s because from a very young age, we get caught up in the fantasy of falling head over heels, finding our knight in shining armor, or living happily ever after, though it hardly if ever really works out that way.
I don’t believe that any child has enough knowledge and wisdom about sex, or life to consent. I suppose we can take a look at the life of the Queen of Soul for consideration, but we really don’t need to. All we need to do is look around us and count how many of the women (and men) we know who’ve been victims of sexual abuse and consider the aftermath. If you don’t find any, then you are in the minority. So, to young people of a consenting age, I might say that sex can be the most intense of our experiences, but that’s really no mystery. For all intents and purposes sex can be life affirming. Of course, if it weren’t all the above, most of us wouldn’t even be here, but sex is not everything. If you think sex is everything, maybe it’s time to take a good look at what else you have going on in your life. Many adult regrets come from having sex under the wrong circumstances. Those few minutes of pleasure can cost you in ways I’m sure you won’t consider once you’re caught up in the moment. So before you do, while your head is still clear, you might want to ask yourself if you really want to be tied to the person in the long-term. Of course, in the case of a pregnancy, it could be in the very long-term. Don’t limit yourself by believing the hype fed to you by the media and other outside forces. Getcha mind right. You have a lot more to give besides your body. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by something that has always, and will always be around when the opportunities for you to achieve your goals might not. Set your life goals and try taking a step toward each one every day. If you do this, then there’s a strong possibility that you’ll be led to the person who can make you truly happy. Sometimes we have to get to where we’re going on our own first, before we can find the soul mate that can really make us feel good about ourselves in every way.
Aretha’s life demonstrated that someone can bring forth their gifts and still bless the world in spite of their own trauma. Despite what happens to us, we all still have a personal story and an assignment to complete, so we have to keep moving forward. As adults, we do all carry around some pain. I suppose how we deal with it makes all the difference. We can seek professional help; find a way to express ourselves through our gifts or both. In Willow Weep For Me: A Black Woman’s Journey Through Depression, author Meri Danquah reflects on getting through the storm of sexual abuse and depression “Having lived with the pain having felt/heard/seen and tasted it, I know now that when you pass through it, there is beauty on the other side.”
Aretha wrapped her gifts with her story and what came out will live on in not just music history, but history period. Who she would have been, without the trauma, doesn’t really matter. Some might argue that it may have been all part of God’s plan. On that idea, I have no opinion, but I do have an observation that it's crazy how one person’s trauma can end up blessing the lives of others, sometimes in ways we’ll never fully know or understand. What she did with her pain pushed her forward to a place where she could touch the lives of others in such an inspiring and extraordinary way, but for many that may not be the case. Through the storm she was blessed. I think what matters most is that she didn’t let whatever was done to her as a child keep her from sharing her gifts. It takes a lot to walk away from sexual abuse in shame, or in power or both, and continue on. Better still, it takes courage to live like whatever happened then, though it may shape your now in some very personal ways, it’s still not the end of your story.
I think what matters most is that she didn’t let whatever was done to her as a child keep her from sharing her gifts and that takes an awful lot of courage.
For more information about protecting our children against childhood sexual abuse or sexual molestation you can go to KidsLiveSafe.com. They also have a free Child Safety e-book.
For a scientific look at the aftermath of sexual assault read
The Psychological Consequences of Sexual Trauma or go to VAWnet.org
I started out writing a top 5 list of my favorite Aretha Franklin songs, but once I started I realized that there just ain’t no way…so here’s a list of my TOP 10 plus my favorite album. Yes indeed, I do lean toward Vintage Aretha. She kills it on the piano on most of these songs. What’s your favorite? Feel free to comment below.
- Oh Me Oh My
- Share Your Love With Me
- Evil Gal Blues
- Muddy Water
- Bridge Over Troubled Water
- Rock Steady (this one just never gets old)
- Do Right Woman
- Don’t Play That Song
- Call Me
- Mary Don’t You Weep (when she calls Lazarus I get chills)
© 2018 Diane Coleman. No part of this work, written by the author, may be reproduced, reposted for any website, or print publication, without prior permission.
Looking for Love: How to Avoid Relationships that Might Mess up Your Life and Decisions Are Destiny: Short Lessons on Decision Making and Life Wisdom for Teens and Young Adults are both available now on Amazon Kindle.
