Through The Storm: Having the Courage to Keep it Moving

By Diane Coleman

In my humble opinion, Aretha Franklin was the greatest female vocalist of any time.  No singer, living or dead, comes close to Aretha in her prime.  She was the original crossover artist. She didn’t just crossover music genres, but love for her music crossed over generation to generation.  She blazed up her path, as an artist, where no one could ever follow.  If you look into her entire body of work, as well as her performances, you’ll find few genres where she hasn’t left her mark.  She was a multi-talent, a musician, singer and songwriter.  She entertained, giving us her all, almost right up to the end of her life.  A discerning eye might have seen she had a hidden shame, no doubt mixed with the genuine pain from losing her mother at such a young age.  Of course, I don’t know about her shame in detail, but I do know that having sex at 12 (maybe even younger) and a baby at the age of 13,  before you know about how the world works, or even less about where you fit into it, can put a load of shame on your spirit.  I believe here is an opportunity for a conversation that a lot of us need to have.

By now, we should know about the after-effects of sexual trauma.  Many people don’t have to look at the life of a celebrity for proof of the damages because they can find it in their own family history.  This kind of abuse often becomes a family secret where the perpetrator is never, in any way, charged.  Because the person who commits the abuse isn't confronted, the victim might be left to deal with the shame with no support.  Sexual abuse can even become a disturbed and secret family legacy.  In our culture, we seem to spend a lot of time examining the attacker, often more so than we do trying to understand the emotional toll on the victim right before, during and after the assault.  Most of the time, we leave that to the professionals maybe because the horror is too much for us to wrap our mind around, especially when it comes to children?  Any kind of sexual assault is not just an attack on the body, but also on the mind and spirit.  Imagine yourself as a child and you have an adult in your life, or someone who you admire.  You believe, simply because of your innocent admiration that this person has your best interest at heart and would never hurt you.  Then out of nowhere everything changes.  Your child brain is hit with a brick of reality that you can’t even begin to process.  All the special attention this person was showering you with was leading up to this…but who can you tell?  You surely, don’t want to disrupt adult relationships.  Especially since, with your child brain, you believe it’s your fault.  In your mind, you’re sure you’ll be blamed in some way, either for seducing your attacker, or for causing chaos in your family for telling.  Though you may not fully understand the meaning of the word, your imagination sets up a scenario for the deepest of all human fears--rejection.  So you convince yourself, it’s better to go on as if nothing happened, and silence becomes both your enemy and friend.  Research has found that when a person is sexually abused, and doesn’t receive support, they may pass the trauma down through future generations in their genes in the form of depression, anxiety and other mental illness.  Surely, what’s done in the dark will manifest in a number of ways, most obviously in the way the victim will make life decisions as an adult.

When sexual abuse happens to children, it typically happens when there’s a lack of adult supervision. Parents may think that it’s safe to leave their kids with a certain relative or friend of the family. I became a parent a little late in life, so I got to learn some things first. I learned that a lot of the women I knew had experienced some type of sexual abuse at a young age usually committed by someone they considered a friend, a friend of the family or relative. Call me paranoid, but by the time I got to the point of having my own children, I came to the conclusion that they would only really be safe when they were in my company. I always believed it was my first duty to shield them, sometimes at a cost. I understand what’s taken away from the spirit when a child is sexually abused. I understood the long-term effects enough that I did everything I could to prevent it from being a burden my own children would have to carry.

In the times we live in, we want to believe that sex is no big deal.  Kids learn it’s so unimportant that they might as well just go ahead and get their first time over with as soon as possible.   There’s a mental and spiritual component that seems to be missing from a lot of conversations we have with young people about sex.  Though they’re important topics, it’s not just about STDs and possibly getting pregnant.  Frankly, what I’ve learned over the years is that immature sex can make your life messy in all kinds of ways.  It is true that more women, in particular younger women, might be prone to expect a commitment after sex.  Unfortunately, the choice we make when we choose a partner may not be grounded in reality.  That’s because from a very young age, we get caught up in the fantasy of falling head over heels, finding our knight in shining armor, or living happily ever after, though it hardly if ever really works out that way.

I don’t believe that any child has enough knowledge and wisdom about sex, or life to consent.   I suppose we can take a look at the life of the Queen of Soul for consideration, but we really don’t need to.  All we need to do is look around us and count how many of the women (and men) we know who’ve been victims of sexual abuse and consider the aftermath.  If you don’t find any, then you are in the minority.  So, to young people of a consenting age, I might say that sex can be the most intense of our experiences, but that’s really no mystery.  For all intents and purposes sex can be life affirming.  Of course, if it weren’t all the above, most of us wouldn’t even be here, but sex is not everything.  If you think sex is everything, maybe it’s time to take a good look at what else you have going on in your life.  Many adult regrets come from having sex under the wrong circumstances.  Those few minutes of pleasure can cost you in ways I’m sure you won’t consider once you’re caught up in the moment.  So before you do, while your head is still clear, you might want to ask yourself if you really want to be tied to the person in the long-term.  Of course, in the case of a pregnancy, it could be in the very long-term.  Don’t limit yourself by believing the hype fed to you by the media and other outside forces.  Getcha mind right.  You have a lot more to give besides your body.  Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by something that has always, and will always be around when the opportunities for you to achieve your goals might not.  Set your life goals and try taking a step toward each one every day.  If you do this, then there’s a strong possibility that you’ll be led to the person who can make you truly happy.  Sometimes we have to get to where we’re going on our own first, before we can find the soul mate that can really make us feel good about ourselves in every way.

Aretha’s life demonstrated that someone can bring forth their gifts and still bless the world in spite of their own trauma.  Despite what happens to us, we all still have a personal story and an assignment to complete, so we have to keep moving forward.   As adults, we do all carry around some pain.  I suppose how we deal with it makes all the difference.  We can seek professional help; find a way to express ourselves through our gifts or both.  In Willow Weep For Me: A Black Woman’s Journey Through Depression, author Meri Danquah reflects on getting through the storm of sexual abuse and depression “Having lived with the pain having felt/heard/seen and tasted it, I know now that when you pass through it, there is beauty on the other side.”
 

Aretha wrapped her gifts with her story and what came out will live on in not just music history, but history period.  Who she would have been, without the trauma, doesn’t really matter.  Some might argue that it may have been all part of God’s plan.  On that idea, I have no opinion, but I do have an observation that it's crazy how one person’s trauma can end up blessing the lives of others, sometimes in ways we’ll never fully know or understand.  What she did with her pain pushed her forward to a place where she could touch the lives of others in such an inspiring and extraordinary way, but for many that may not be the case.  Through the storm she was blessed.  I think what matters most is that she didn’t let whatever was done to her as a child keep her from sharing her gifts.  It takes a lot to walk away from sexual abuse in shame, or in power or both, and continue on.  Better still, it takes courage to live like whatever happened then, though it may shape your now in some very personal ways, it’s still not the end of your story.

I think what matters most is that she didn’t let whatever was done to her as a child keep her from sharing her gifts and that takes an awful lot of courage.

For more information about protecting our children against childhood sexual abuse or sexual molestation you can go to KidsLiveSafe.com.  They also have a free Child Safety e-book.

For a scientific look at the aftermath of sexual assault read

The Psychological Consequences of Sexual Trauma
or go to VAWnet.org

I started out writing a top 5 list of my favorite Aretha Franklin songs, but once I started I realized that there just ain’t no way…so here’s a list of my TOP 10 plus my favorite album.  Yes indeed, I do lean toward Vintage Aretha.  She kills it on the piano on most of these songs.  What’s your favorite?  Feel free to comment below.

Favorite Album – Sweet Bitter Love

1. Oh Me Oh My
2. Share Your Love With Me
3. Evil Gal Blues
4. Muddy Water
5. Bridge Over Troubled Water
6. Rock Steady (this one just never gets old)
7. Do Right Woman
8. Don’t Play That Song
9. Call Me
10. Mary Don’t You Weep (when she calls Lazarus I get chills)

© 2018 Diane Coleman. No part of this work, written by the author, may be reproduced, reposted for any website, or print publication, without prior permission.

Looking for Love: How to Avoid Relationships that Might Mess up Your Life and Decisions Are Destiny: Short Lessons on Decision Making and Life Wisdom for Teens and Young Adults are both available now on Amazon Kindle.

Have the Audacity to be an Autodidact

I wasn’t a great student in high school.  In fact, I wasn’t even a good student.  It really had nothing to do with my ability.  I just didn’t show up.  It should be noted that my high school was no different than many today that teach, mostly, from a curriculum created decades ago.  When I did attend classes, I was somewhere between an A and B student, without really trying.  It was just too boring.

Because we didn’t spend much time in school my friends and I did get into some mischief.  I guess you can say that the importance of a quality education was lost on us.  The environment we were raised in may have had an impact on our feelings about school.  More than anything, the schools we attended didn’t really fall into the category of quality education, at least not for us.  Being a home schooling advocate, as well as a student of organizational psychology, I tend to believe many schools don’t make a good enough effort to be a fit for all students.  I also believe that school culture includes teachers, students, administrators and even board members, and that they all play a part in the success or failure of every single student.  I don't just believe they can influence the potential for success in school, but also success in life.

I chose to write for teens and young adults because I never forgot how it felt to be that age, to be curious about life.  Yet with school being, for the most part, ill-equipped to keep a kid like me really interested, sometimes I wonder what it would have been like for my friends and me if the internet came along when we were teenagers.  With all the resources it has, I’d like to believe it would have had a positive effect on us. We didn’t go to school, like we should have, but most of us read and had strong opinions.  You can say that we were a bunch of budding autodidacts, and that maybe we were just a little ahead of our time.   An autodidact is someone who's self-taught. They want to learn, not because somebody comes along and says, “this is what you need to know.”  Autodidacts don’t, necessarily, pursue knowledge because they have to.  They're the opposite of passive learners.

It’s been okay to be a passive learner for a long time.  Since the internet took hold, we’ve been in a knowledge economy that has shifted everything and is putting a squeeze on passive learners.  Everybody is expected to be up to speed on most things.  More and more, they’re expected to find most of the knowledge they need on their own.  Now, you have to know, not just about issues of general conversation like politics and business (or sometimes even celebrity gossip) but especially anything having to do with your career.  Because there’s so much information out there, more people will assume you’re up to speed.  Some of those people may be less important, in the scheme of things, and others might be crucial to your career, education, and even your finances.

Of course, being an autodidact makes you a better student because you're always building on your stored knowledge.  As an autodidact, you don’t have anyone telling you how to process what you’re thinking, mainly because you’re getting information from a variety of sources and not just school. You have the freedom of taking in that information, figuring out how it all makes sense, and from there you’re able to go on to look at the bigger picture.  Most autodidacts, eventually, grow to become critical thinkers and that's a good thing.  Your path to success, however you choose to define it may, likely, be different from that of someone having the privilege of access to an elite education, or other solid resources, from the start.  Like millions of other people, the internet was a game changer for me.  I suppose, had I been more willing to conform to what people expected of me, at best; I would have ended up limited to teaching in a certain style, using a one-dimensional curriculum. I might not be able to tell my story, and to share knowledge, in such a diverse way and so freely.  I wouldn’t have unlimited opportunity, as I do today, to reach people all over the world with my ideas.

Thanks to the internet we can all, pretty much, learn almost anything for free.  If you’re leery, or downright afraid, of student-loan debt, then it’s time to think for yourself, and have the audacity to be an autodidact.  Realistically, you can work for less, and live on less, if you don’t have student loan debt hanging over your head.  To help you start, there’s a list of massive open online courses (MOOC’s) at mooc-list.com. You can find free online courses offered by well-known universities at oedb.org (Open Education Database).  Oedb.org can also help with school ranking statistics, identifying the best college fit for your interests, and give advice about transferring credits you’ve already earned.  There are also other providers, like Udemy and edX, that offer courses for free, or for much less than you’d pay at college.  Or you can just pick a college, and see if they offer free lectures on YouTube.  Coursera was started by a group of Stanford professors and it offers free online courses at Ivy League schools.  You can even get direct access to groups online if you want to talk about what you’re learning.  There are study note sharing websites such as Open Study (Brainly), Course Hero and Chegg.  You can download any of their apps to your device.

The audacity of the autodidact, definitely, works for the entrepreneur spirit.  You no longer need to spend hours in a classroom learning how to start and run a successful business.  You can build your business day-by-day, watching video-by-video online.Of course, for some jobs and careers you might need formal training, or a degree, but mind your rear view mirror.  Technology is moving up so fast behind you that the same job or career you may be banking a lifetime of student debt on might not even exist by the time you graduate. Things are changing that fast.  It seems everyone needs to get on the autodidact bandwagon.  Parents need to get their kids on it now.  Yes, its fine if parents choose not to home school, but not training children to be autodidactic from this point on could, likely, cause them to be left behind.  Either way, I’ve always believed that public school education, especially, needs to be subsidized at home by parents.  Come on, we have to take some responsibility about how and what our children learn and, more importantly how they think.

Education, for most people, means someone is telling you what to think.  You’re encouraged to color inside the lines and not go beyond the scope of the instructor.  An autodidact enjoys the challenge of stretching beyond a narrow scope.  Of course, education is okay.  Believe me, I know it can be really nice to have a degree or two hanging on the wall.  For all the time I've gone to college, I never felt I was paying to be taught as much as it was an opportunity to be in the company of people, who were somewhat like-minded and wanted to talk about ideas.  Now, of course, I have an option to do the same without adding onto the student loan debt.

The best part about being an autodidact is feeling confident that no one can dictate what I’ll contribute to the world.  I control how much I can grow.  If you don’t feel appreciated professionally, you have access to enough knowledge to build an enterprise.  You can, in fact, shape your own destiny.  Have the audacity to turn down spoon-fed information.  Have the audacity to prove them wrong when anyone tries to tell you that your potential is limited, for whatever reason.  Now, if you’re behind on anything you honestly have no one to blame but yourself.  It’s on you. The information is there at your fingertips. So, take hold of the future now.

© 2018 Diane Coleman. No part of this work, written by the author, may be reproduced, reposted for any website, or print publication, without prior permission.

Looking for Love: How to Avoid Relationships that Might Mess up Your Life and Decisions Are Destiny: Short Lessons on Decision Making and Life Wisdom for Teens and Young Adults are both available now on Amazon Kindle.

The Things I Wish I Had Known About Money…I Could Write a Book

I don’t come from a background where the people around me were prone to always make good decisions about money. I guess one can easily draw the conclusion that I also wasn’t born into a wealth legacy. In my environment, there was only the occasional windfall. I had to learn the rules of money the hard way. The windfall mentality has a strange effect on your beliefs about money. As you get older, and start to earn, your paycheck becomes the windfall and it tends to burn a hole in your pocket. You spend, and you really don’t feel satisfied until all of your disposable income is gone. Most of us spend on things associated with the desires of our group, culture, or both. A good deal of our need references come from a variety of media sources, but then again, don’t we choose our media programs based on the groups we identify with? It’s a vicious cycle.

Without a doubt, television has always been a great tool for the banking, and credit, industry. In particular, I have to give a shout-out to Edward Bernays, the inventor of public relations. I don’t want to go into a retrospective on the culture of television, but I will say that once it was in every household, it was easy for corporations, along with the banking industry, to help the average American go for broke. Television taught us how important it is to keep up with the Joneses/Kardashians. I know it's hard to admit, but we do spend an awful lot of time and money competing with one another. Sometimes the competition is subtle, and other times not so much. Not paying attention to the source of our desire to spend may lead us down a path to financial chaos, miserable, dead-end jobs, and unhappy relationships. Most of us don’t consider the impact our relationship with money has on our relationship with others, but it does. Our beliefs about money set a standard for how we value ourselves, and also how we’ll make relationship choices.

One of the most important things I wish I had known about money is that banks are in business to make it, and they make most of it by taking mine and yours. I’ve also learned that, despite their charming and witty commercials, banks are not your friend. Your association with them is strictly a business transaction. The primary goal is to lend you money, and have you pay that back plus interest for the privilege of borrowing. Don’t let me get started on student loans. That’s a topic for a whole other blog post. I don’t really have anything against banks. I will even go as far to say that, without student loans, it would have been difficult, if not impossible, for me to go on past an undergraduate degree. I’m sure many would agree that banks are a necessary evil. My perspective has changed, though, and I now understand how important it is to figure out the most strategic (and of course legal) way to profit from the amount you’re borrowing, especially if your goal is to build long-term wealth.

For too many years, I thought I was on the road to building wealth while I spent myself into debt. The economic downturn, and my research into the psychology of groups, caused me to take a look at the motivating factors of my own spending and why I believed it was okay to be in debt. Most of my adult life I had an income that could, potentially, put me on the road to building wealth, yet I avoided those deep money questions, the primary one being: Why do I buy?  If I could go back and do it all over again, I would come out of the gate with a very different mindset.  Starting with my first job, my number-one priority would be to lay the groundwork for a wealth legacy. I would pay more attention to economic news, and commentary, including their relevance to domestic and foreign policy. I would pay attention to the movement of money and investing on a global scale because I would be clear on how these things all tie into my future earning prospects and financial security.

I would take serious stock of the money decisions made by the adults around me as I grew up. I would then make a conscious decision to do something different. If I chose to have credit, I would use it strategically. I would try to pay my balances off every month, or apply as much to the outstanding balances as possible until it was all paid off. I would pay attention to every dime the bank made from me in interest.  I would start out with an understanding that money represents freedom in a very real sense, but that freedom can only occur if the money you earn is used with intent. Not being born into wealth doesn’t make you financially handicapped. It simply changes the starting point. In that respect, there are rules in the game of wealth. I know now that it's important to have a game plan or, instead of gaining freedom, you’ll sentence yourself to a life of slavery to debt.  I would consider looking outside of my general environment for those who’ve accomplished what I’d like to financially. I would also try to stay aware and prepared to act on solid investment opportunities when they present themselves.

The internet made the concept of buying low and selling high clearer for the average person to wrap their financial mind around.  Before I buy a particular item now, I pause to reflect on its resale value. More often than not, it doesn’t even matter if I’m buying it for personal use. The potential of this idea has been, for the most part, exclusive to people with big money to invest, but the online marketplace has been a game changer.  More than ever, now people understand that wealth legacies can be built by investing in a variety of tangible items, having appreciative value, such as collectibles, precious metals, and fine art.

If I could go back, owning a home wouldn’t be the priority investment. For generations, we’ve been fed the idea that home ownership should be the jewel in the crown of our investment portfolio. There may have been times when this was the case. I do know of several people who bought and sold, within a year or two, during the last real estate boom, and profited $100,000 or more, but I think it’s fair to say that we’ve come to the end of the phenomenon.  Realistically, when you factor in the cost of repair, taxes, location and then, of course, project what might be the cost of living when you finally sell, you’ll probably find that the best way to view your home is as an investment in your family’s future in terms of community, school district, and a sense of comfort, and not a monetary gain.  Today, the decision to own or rent should be considered with long-term goals in mind.

Knowing what I do now, I would offer to anyone seeking advice about money not to take the journey backward. Don’t end up trying to use your talents to earn a living after you’ve worked for years at a job or profession you hate. Try to figure out what you're good at early on.  Identify the thing you like to do that excites you and gives you a reason to really look forward to getting out of bed in the morning, and then figure out if there's a way to earn a living doing it, even if you have to do it part-time at first. That way, even if you don’t reach your wealth goal, at least you can say that the journey meant something to you on a very personal level, and that you had a good time.

Related Reading

History is a Weapon (Propaganda) by Edward Bernays

Related Video Links
In Debt We Trust: A Documentary
How Money and Credit Control Your Life


Frontline:  The Untouchables
Frontline investigates why Wall Street's leaders have escaped prosecution for any fraud related to the sale of bad mortgages.

Frontline:  The Retirement Gamble
The Retirement Gamble raises troubling questions about how America’s financial institutions protect our retirement savings.

© 2018 Diane Coleman. No part of this work, written by the author, may be reproduced, reposted for any website, or print publication, without prior permission.

Looking for Love: How to Avoid Relationships that Might Mess up Your Life and Decisions Are Destiny: Short Lessons on Decision Making and Life Wisdom for Teens and Young Adults are both available now on Amazon Kindle.

There's Power In Deciding Your Story Is Not Over

I love Miles Davis' music.  I can’t say that I love the man he was because Miles had some issues, but I do love his artistry.  People will, probably, share dialogue, and critiques, on his music, for the rest of time.  One of the things I love most about Miles, the musician, is his drive to reinvent himself and his fearlessness about doing so over and over again.  It’s true this could have been ego on his part, but I think if we look deeper we might find some meaning in the way he lived his artistic life.

Let’s face it changing from anything you’re used to doing, when you’ve been doing it one way for years, is a hard thing to do; and it really doesn’t matter what it is.  But sometimes, when things aren’t working out, you may need to push the reset button on life.  When we make personal and professional decisions we can feel they’re really right for us, at the time.  We think the stars have aligned to make it all happen, so we might be shocked when things don’t turn out the way we thought they would.  The reality that we were wrong can shake us to the core.  Of course, there’s also those decisions we make, based solely on emotion, where we haven’t paid attention to the tiny details, but that’s still not the worst mistake.  We make the worst mistake when we decide, because of the failure; we’re just going to give up trying. 

Yes, life can be complicated.  Life can be a bit messy.  Sometimes, things fall into a person's lap, I suppose.  I’m just one of those people who never had it that easy.  To reach any goal, I’ve always had to do some intense strategizing, and sometimes things still didn’t work out the way I planned.  I’ve, certainly, had my share of do-overs.  I wasn’t brought up in an atmosphere that might guarantee success like some people who have the right contacts from birth.  As far as college was concerned, I had to choose one I could afford, and all of it still ended up costing too much.  In fact, my personal saga of student loan debt continues to unfold.  Of course, the biggest drawback of having to find your own way is that you’ll probably make a mistake, or two, or three before you’re even close to getting it right.  Bestselling author Robert Green writes, in his book on mastery, that “repeated failure will toughen your spirit and show with absolute clarity how things must be done”.  I agree because I have lived that truth.  I’ve made some bad decisions.  I do thank God the good far outweighs the bad.  Of course, through the ups and downs, I’ve had my moments of self-doubt.  As I got older, and the fact that time is running out got real, I then understood what happened yesterday is not, hardly, the end of my story.

Just like the name of a Miles Davis favorite of mine, So What?, what defines me has nothing to do with the neighborhoods I’ve lived in, the schools I attended or the right connections my family has.   I know that even my right now doesn’t really define me.  Now only defines me in the context of what I’m planning for tomorrow.  In the final analysis, what I decide to give to the world will define my life both now and when I’m gone.  I’ve been to a lot of funerals in my lifetime, I would say, probably, more than an average person, and what I’ve learned is that the measure of a good legacy isn’t really based on the things a person kept to themselves, but more on what they gave away.  It’s, certainly, not based on the amount of mistakes they’ve made, of course, as long as they keep trying.  If things never work out, it’s my belief in the end; the worst people can say is, “Well at least she tried.”

Though I wasn’t raised in wealthy surroundings (most days) I still feel rich.  My Dad passed down a giving spirit and my mom, a teaching spirit with a simple dedication to helping others.  Things may not have come easy for you either …but so what?  You may just have to reinvent yourself a time or two, and start from scratch.   So what?  I can attest to the fact that having to reinvent yourself makes life interesting.  If we look at the life of artists like Miles, who always seemed to bring something new to the table, just when you think they’re done, we can see that your best is actually fluid if you decide to keep moving forward. 

Movement is life.

There will be disappointments.  Life is harder the Miles Davis way.  You’re constantly progressing and pushing your own envelope into new territory.  You’re striving to be better because you want to leave behind something that has meaning.  Miles always had a laser focus when it came to his art, which surely rubbed some people the wrong way, but I get it.  You’re so driven to move through your story, and to not give up because you instinctively know that there’s much more of it to be told.  Of course, there will always be more of your story to be told--right up to the end.

Links to more Miles...

Kind of Blue some say the definitive jazz album of all time and Miles' best.
The Official Miles Davis Website

Books
Miles Davis:  The Collected Artwork

Miles: The Autobiography

Miles on Miles: Interviews and Encounters with Miles Davis (Musicians in Their Own Words)

Notable Movies and Documentaries

Miles Ahead (Don Cheadle 2016) The Miles Davis Story
© 2017 Diane Coleman No part of this work, written by the author, may be reproduced, reposted for any website, or print publication, without prior permission

Looking for Love: How to Avoid Relationships that Might Mess up Your Life and Decisions Are Destiny: Short Lessons on Decision Making and Life Wisdom for Teens and Young Adults are both available now on Amazon Kindle.

© 2018 Diane Coleman No part of this work, written by the author, may be reproduced, reposted for any website, or print publication, without prior permission.

My Roots Are Dug Up: Making the Decision to Change

With my first house, it didn't make sense to hire someone to do the landscaping.  It was such a small job so I did it myself.   I didn’t mind, nor did I consider it a chore as much.  Mindless activity has always been a way for me to do some good thinking.  So, from this I learned that weeds are really hard to get rid of. I mean, you go in thinking, just pull them up out of the ground, but they’re really hard to do away with for good.  Weeds are no different than any other plant when it comes to the root system.  If they sprout strong above ground, that's because they have a sturdy root system underground.  More than once, I thought about how weeds are like bad habits and ideas that we tend to pick up from the environment we're born into, and in some cases, even our culture.  Ideas that can end up causing all kinds of chaos, and might also keep us from having the life we want.   To me, the worst ideas, and habits, represent the most stubborn of all weeds, the ones that get wedged between cracks in the cement.  Those could be the thoughts and actions we go to automatically.   Getting rid of the bad ideas and habits, I’ve learned, isn’t easy.  It takes diligence, and a good plan.

One thing I've learned about studying groups is that they often assign roles to members.  The role may not be the best for that person to use in playing out his or her life successfully, but it may fit in a way to maintain the status quo of the group they belong to.  Ideas about how we should live and think are often assigned to us.  In a perfect world, these ideas would bring us to our full potential.  Unfortunately, if the information we receive about life is flawed then our root system is flawed.  It's hard to work around a flawed system while trying to bring out your best.  A person can live, for decades, based on the roots of their environment, wondering why the above ground, springing up from their learned habits and ideas, doesn't match up to what they think it should be.

Healthy roots are the anchors of every plant.  They help keep it steady.  I don't want to go too deep into the plant analogy, but the roots are also responsible for secreting certain enzymes that prevent plant disease.  In terms of our own root system, the environment and culture familiar to us, may not only distort how we view our place in the world, but it might also make us sick.  The goal should be to keep your own root system strong like with an actual garden, by digging up the roots of those weeds and planting something healthy and pleasing to the soul.  We're all gifted in one way or another, but sometimes, these gifts are buried under a thicket of weeds.  This thicket of weeds might also be the reason we run into trouble with big life decisions having to do with money, career and relationships.  Are the weeds in your garden limiting you?  It's so easy to be what others expect, especially when their expectations are on the low side.  It's been my experience that following on the path of low expectations makes you feel less alive and less productive.  This can kill the potential for what might be an amazing garden, filled with radiant, exotic flowers and leave you with a, neglected, eye sore patch of land overrun by weeds.

The thing I've learned about change is that once you get over the fear, you start to look forward to it because it just about always leads to a new chapter in life.  We love the familiar because it makes us feel, not necessarily good, but safe.  Deciding to change, might mean stepping outside the boundaries of the familiar and into a new space.  We all like to say that life's a journey.  If we really believe it, then we shouldn't be afraid to move forward.  The first step to change is a decision to simply do something different.   Change can be the helpmate of hope.  It's true that change takes courage.  If you don't think you have it, move forward anyway.  You won't know you do until you get over to the other side.  With change, there may be some missteps, but keep it moving.   As church folk often say, “the test will be your testimony” about how you overcame and you got rid of the weeds by, completely, digging up those roots.   It's a testimony not just for you to feel better, so calm down.  Your testimony gives you a story to tell, so harvest a sense of humility.  You may find yourself telling your story in unexpected spaces because it's more likely that it will be most effective when it’s told in the trenches.  Someone needs to hear that sometimes we’re blessed, not because life is easy, but because it isn’t.  We can be blessed by those challenges that make it necessary for us to move.   We can be blessed simply because we’re able to get up in the morning with the wherewithal to move forward.  When you decide to get at those roots, you’ll feel blessed by the circumstances that compel you to cultivate the courage to grow.  There were more than a few times, during my journey, where faith sat me down in front of someone who told a story about how they overcame a situation, and that story motivated me to push forward.  Giving birth to change requires that you push the new roots up above the surface and into the sunlight, so those pesky weeds won't have any room. I've learned to be watchful of influences, not just with ideas but also people and even places.  It took me a long time to see that place is very important, even when you really don't want to be there, sometimes especially when you don't want to be there.  In your frustration, take a good look around you because you're probably there for a reason.  Of course, when you’re digging up roots, changing the environment is inevitable.  Accept the challenge of new faces.  Get out among people who match up to your gifts and potential, or who are simply motivated to be better.  Don't be afraid to share your desire for change with others who are supportive.  Don’t ever believe you’re not enough to sit in the company of people who can help you get to where you want, or need to be.

I'm coming up on a little over a decade of digging up roots, sometimes having them re-sprout, usually when I get distracted, and then having to repeat the process, but I'm still moving forward.  I'm gaining ground. I know some people say it's not good to look back, but for me it works, just probably not in the way you might think.  I don't look back because I want to be back there.  I look back because every time I see how far I've come, I'm motivated even more to keep it moving.

For the most part, personality can't be changed, but you can change your behavior and your reactions to any situation.  Add gratefulness to your garden.  Gratefulness helps you spot the good in what may seem to be the worst situations.  Keep digging out and pulling up.  Knowing that every problem you think you have presents a teachable moment, and in that moment those weeds cannot hide.  That teachable moment is the seed that can help move you forward.  Life, if you're doing it right, is a never-ending journey.  You'll always be moving into, and through, new challenges and victories.  That’s the best part about being alive.  Make the decision to dig up some of your roots that are simply not working for you, and to get rid of them for good.  From that point on, you'll always be moving toward a better you.

"If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Looking for Love: How to Avoid Relationships that Might Mess up Your Life and Decisions Are Destiny: Short Lessons on Decision Making and Life Wisdom for Teens and Young Adults are both available now on Amazon Kindle.

© 2018 Diane Coleman No part of this work, written by the author, may be reproduced, reposted for any website, or print publication, without prior permission.

A Love For Reading is a Life Skill

I'm sure, if I didn't home school my kids in the early years, I would have still been the one to teach them how to read. Teaching them to read was that important to me. I suppose it had something to do with my mother teaching me how to read before I started school. My mother's love for books, and reading, laid the groundwork, for my curiosity about, well just about everything. I learned early on that the answer to anything can, usually, be found in a book. Today, though my children are grown (and almost grown) I still enjoy reading children's books. Recently, I've realized that I missed reading them aloud so much, I became a volunteer in the Born to Read literacy program for pre-schoolers. This experience increased my respect for pre-school teachers. They are, essentially, the gatekeepers to our children's future. They have the power to influence kids in great ways on how they'll understand, and apply, the importance of reading, and learning to their lives. If you're ever in need of something to lift your spirits, let me suggest reading a children's book out loud, even if no one is listening. It will put a smile on your face, especially, if it's a book, you remember from childhood. Books encase our best memories from childhood, whether the reading takes place in the classroom or in the home. It's just always been my personal belief that the reading seed should be planted at home in an atmosphere of love and support, so our children know that the joy, and the usefulness, of reading stretches far beyond school.

I have had a lifelong love affair with both the library and the book store. Once I got to a point, in my educational career, where I could make up my own questions, and then conduct research to prove the answers, I knew that I had, finally, found my calling. I know, not everyone is thrilled with the idea of doing research. I do remember how much of a chore it was for me, when I wasn't able to choose the topic. I get that, but when a child learns to question things, and has an understanding of the best places to find the answers, they create a bridge to critical thinking. Teaching a child to be inquisitive, and in that way to love reading, is unlike any toy, or trinket, you can give because it has so much more value. There's something special about a child's first book. It’s really one of the few gifts that will keep on giving throughout their lifetime. Teaching reading to a child, as early as possible, has been proven to work because the ability to wrap your mind around a concept is strongest early in life. When we teach our children how to flex their thinking muscle often, then like any muscle, it will become stronger as they grow up. Exposing your kids to a lot of books early can also be a first step to college preparation. The more books they read, the better their chance to increase their vocabulary, and gain the perspective needed to ace those writing assignments in the future. There are all kinds of data out there describing a bleak future for economically disadvantaged young people. The truth is that no one can define themselves as disadvantaged once they know the value of reading, and of questioning, the world around them. Because they can build a better world for themselves, and others, just by thinking, critically, about the ideas, they get from reading.

The world is in need of critical thinkers. All the great inventors, entrepreneurs, social critics, and every form of a game-changer, started their journey by questioning how they can improve on an existing idea. We might begin to teach our children how to be innovative by helping them find creative ways to build their own personal library. Teaching children to love a good book is, for the most part, free. I have bought books for as little as a nickel at yard sales, and if you get there late, you may even get them for free. Used books can also be bought at libraries, book discounters, found in just about every other strip mall, and Goodwill Warehouse Outlets where everything is priced a few cents per pound. There are also organizations that give away brand new books to children such as firstbook.org.

The next time you're feeling down about not being able to buy your child those really insignificant gifts, we've been taught to believe are essential, just give the kid a book, sometimes even a used one will do. It really helps if it's on a subject of interest to them. If the book is electronic, or old-school format, really doesn't matter. Either way the book still presents an idea for your child to build on, and it may also contain the power to shape his, or her, destiny.

© 2018 Diane Coleman No part of the above work may be reproduced, reposted for any website, or print publication, without prior permission.

Looking for Love: How to Avoid Relationships that Might Mess up Your Life and Decisions Are Destiny: Short Lessons on Decision Making and Life Wisdom for Teens and Young Adults are both available now on Amazon Kindle.

available now on Amazon Kindle.

The New World of Work and the Survival Skills Our Children Need

At the time of this writing, out of 65 countries, the United States’ global rankings in education are as follows: For reading we are 24th, for math we are 36th, and for science we are 28th[1]. That’s right, we don’t even make the top 10, yet billions of dollars are dumped into our educational system every year. Clearly, too many of our children are being left behind. 40% of all students entering college need remedial courses before taking actual college courses. 65% of professors’ report what's being taught in high school is not sufficient to prepare students for college[2]. Our kids are in trouble, and it’s really not their fault.

Call me naïve if you want, but I believe that all of our children want to learn. We’re all born with some level of curiosity. Adults must engage that curiosity so that children can grow into lifetime learners. I support the homeschooling movement, so I’m not one to put the full responsibility of teaching children onto teachers. I believe it’s also the responsibility of parents. It’s parents who have the first opportunity to spark curiosity, and to encourage a succession of whys that can make learning interesting and, in more cases than not, lead children on to success in whatever way they choose to define it. Realistically, this is a joint effort. We parents need to pick up some of the slack, and get kids to understand that the need to know why is crucial to learning and building a better future, not just for them; that same curiosity can affect growth and change all around.

I’m just finishing Tony Wagner’s book The Global Achievement Gap: Why even our best schools don’t teach the new survival skills our children need and what we can do about it. I’m going to show here, and in future posts, how the points he makes relate to the Microbook, Decisions Shape Destiny:Wisdom for Teens and Young Adults. Without a doubt, Wagner's book is important for adults to read, especially educators and school administrators. On the other hand, the Microbook offers condensed life lessons, on similar topics for the busy teen or young adult.

From the start, Wagner identifies seven survival skills our children will need for the new world of work. He begins with critical thinking and problem-solving skills. Workers, for the most part, used to be expected to do no more than the same thing all day, every day, year after year. Most employers in the new workforce are set to get rid of old industrialized ideas about work. Today, they’re requiring that employees know how to think on their feet and are able to adapt to new and evolving situations. The new workforce will require flexibility and skills in self-management and personal responsibility, which go hand in hand with critical thinking and good decision making. It's important for parents to take the lead in making sure children are capable of building a future for themselves that they can be proud of, a future where they’re able to achieve all their goals. Sure, there are some from my generation, myself included, who weren't taught how to make good decisions. Unfortunately, we often learned from trial and error. Young people today really don't have that luxury. We no longer live in times when bouncing back from a bad decision is easy. In some cases, the wrong decision can ruin a young person's life long before they're mature enough to wrap their mind around the long-term consequences.

In terms of leadership, of course schools will always showcase a few students with the ability, and that’s great, but I think there are potential leaders being left in the shadows, whose talents are not being recognized for a number of reasons. Now, when we prepare all our children for the challenge of personal leadership first, then we just may end up with a larger and more diverse pool of leaders to choose from overall. We need more potential leaders to be brought up to take a place in history. Guess what? Leadership skills are not exclusive to any group. I might add that there’s no reason they should be to a particular family or social-economic class. Some would argue that such a one-dimensional way of thinking is responsible for our current leadership crisis. That being said, critical thinking is a good skill for our young people to develop for when they're old enough to vote. When they head for the voting booth, it can help them base their choices on more than nice words and popularity, and on the true substance of a candidate. The bottom line is that progress, whether social, political, or economic, is fueled by change. It's fueled by different ways of thinking through a problem. Parents shouldn't lay the responsibility of teaching these skills on schools because, frankly, maybe they will, and maybe they won't, but there comes a time in each life when critical thinking, or the lack of it, can make or break anyone’s future.

To encourage critical thinking, parents should make time to discuss (and even debate) with their children on events happening, not just in our country, but around the world. Right now, world news is at everybody's fingertips. Most of it's delivered in sound bites, which take only a few seconds to digest, so there’s no excuse for adults to not be current on topics other than what celebrities are doing. Discussing current events with your children helps them understand that the world is bigger than their neighborhood, and can lead them to have a more global perspective about life in general. For little ones, we can ask questions about the books we read to them. Ask about the choices the characters make within a story. Get them to think about what they might do under the same or similar circumstances. As parents, we must encourage our children to be inquisitive and to challenge themselves, even if no one else does. They should be taught to take personal responsibility for what they learn and to not be afraid to ask how or why, of course not in a defiant, or a disrespectful way, but with curiosity.

Critical thinking inspires an entrepreneurial spirit. Multi-billion dollar companies, nowadays, are formed around simple ideas. Because most of these companies involve digital technology, they may only require a small amount of money to start up. Looking forward, some economists believe that self-employment may become the new normal for the job market. So, our kids must be trained to think like innovators. They should become skilled at planning, setting goals, turning an idea into reality, or perhaps more importantly, turning it into income. Self-reliance is the key to unlock the potential of all our children and not leave any behind. At this point, in our collective history, there's no denying that we're in need of innovative leaders who can tackle the ills of society with a fresh approach. The promise of real change is in our children. The dream will always be in our children. They do have what it takes if we just allow them a chance. One of the first steps for parents and teachers is to instill in them the power of curiosity and ideas. If we can just do that for them, even if they fall short, at least we can be assured they will, definitely, have the skills needed to manage their own lives as adults.

[1] According to geographic.org (2015)

[2] Tony Wagner. The Global Achievement Gap. New York: Basic Books, 2008

© 2015 Diane Coleman. No part of the above work may be reproduced, reposted for any website, or print publication, without prior permission.

Looking for Love: How to Avoid Relationships that Might Mess up Your Life and Decisions Are Destiny: Short Lessons on Decision Making and Life Wisdom for Teens and Young Adults are both available now on Amazon Kindle.